This was written as a joke. Due to my like of the series I am often having a hack at the various incarnations of Star Trek. Mostly out of frustration about a series that sometimes is so perfect and well done, but more often falls short of the potential it has. Indeed I have a long list of things that should have been done that would have made the series dramatically more interesting. If you want to chat about it, drop me some email.
But to get back to this little bit of writing. I wrote it as a sort of '.plan' file, known as a Query file in BBS parlance, for my BBS account on the student BBS at my university. The idea of the Query file is to introduce yourself to the person who has queried you. Usual responses are quick lists of real name, phone number, course being done etc...
So I decided on this. I use my real name in my postings anyway, I don't beleive in handing out my phone number willy nilly and as (at the time) my courses were computer science coures (and guess what kind of student is most likely to use a BBS?) I didn't think people really needed to have their suspicion that I was a compie confirmed in such a tedious manner. Thus this was written as a way of introducing myself, my sense of humour and one of my hobbies - namely taking the mickey out of science fiction shows.
Mr Data frowned breifly, his fingers flying over his console with the sureness and adroitness only an android can acheive. But to no avail, try as he might the sensor reading would not reveal itself into anything more substantial than a vague distortion in the otherwise crystal clear sensor sweep around the Enterprise. And it had been approaching for a little while now, closing in from the extremities of the sensor's range and closing at a healthy pace.
Pico-seconds passed as he dithered for a little longer deciding on this. Finally he made up his mind, after what would have seemed the breifest of pauses had his fellow crewmates been watching him, to inform the captain. Turning slightly in his chair he called out to the Captain who was nonchalently reading an engineering status report in the command chair. "Captain, I believe I have something that warrants your attention..."
"Just wonderful" muttered Captain Picard to himself, he had been hoping that this would be a quiet period for both himself and the crew. In theory secondary sensor sweeps of already charted areas was quiet, after all the primary charting did the dangerous work and had the worries of possible first contact. Secondary sweeps merely refined and made more accurate the findings of the first sweep. Sighing slightly he put the datapad down, stood up, adjusted his tunic and leisurely strode over to the ops console where Data was stationed.
"What is it Data?" "Uncertain captain, it appears to be a disturbance caused by natural phenomena in the sensor sweep. But no natural phenomena moves at warp speeds, which this one is." "Have you run a diagnostic on the sensors?" "Aye sir, they are all calibrated and functioning normally. But still the disturbance persists. " Picard turned back, starting to return to his command chair musing on this. Riker looked up from the console he had been studying and enquired "Do you think it is trouble sir?".
"I have no idea what it is Will but it would be prudent to assume this is trouble. The phenomena looks remarkably like an energy fluctation and we all know what hides in those...." Riker's eyes widened slightly and he barked out orders for shields to be raised and the weaponry to be armed. "Best be ready to welcome our Romulan friends properly." he quipped to the captain.
"Indeed number one." Picard settled into the command chair again facing the main viewer, he had made some decision internally and seemed a little more ready to face whatever this was. "Has the disturbance reacted to our actions Mr Data?" "No sir, it is continuing the same course, indeed it looks like it is intent on a collision with us. " "Why the hell didn't you say that earlier Mister!", Riker barked, "Ensign get us out of it's way, full impulse."
"I did not mention it before because I did not know the objects course accurately enough to predict the movement" Data equitably replied. "It has altered course to match our new heading and vector, collision in 30 seconds." "Ensign, warp 8 - away from that disturbance. Engage", Picard's normally calm and serene voice seemed slightly worried. The Enterprise leapt away at a furious pace seconds later as the orders took effect...
"The disturbance has matched and exceeded our speed and heading, collision in 20 seconds." Data's voice calmly echoed the somewhat disconcerting news. "Ensign full warp, give it all we have. Mr LaForge we need all can you push the engines into..." Now Picard really was concerned, clearly something intelligent was in that disturbance and it was more than capable of matching their efforts thus far.
With redoubled vigour the Enterprise began pushing her design limits. The indicators were all pushing the high ends of their safety limits but everything was holding...just... And still the disturbance came on, relentlessly increasing speed to match. "Well it seems we can't out run it, best slow down to meet it I think..." Picard mused slightly to himself then gave the neccesary orders. Abruptly the Enterprise turned to face the disturbance and slowed to impulse speed.
"Impact in 2...correction now!" Data commented as the disturbance hit the sheilds and 'splatted' around and through them in a bright flash of light. When it cleared it was gone, however it had left a man on the bridge, dressed in a green shirt, black jeans, roman sandals and a happy grin, who was clearly not a StarFleet officer. His first words confirmed that suspicion "Right you pack of lamers, I have been watching your exploits for sometime now. Call yourself the best eh? Well if your the best I pity the rest of fleet for they they must be truely lame."
"I mean you have a security officer who gets beaten every time, an android with neuroses, an empath who is about as empathic as a bucket and a first officer who spends more time obtaining carnal knowledge of the local aliens than he does doing his job." He paused for dramatic effect, his gaze observing each member of the bridge crew in turn from behind his silver rimmed bifocal glasses. "It is time for a few changes round here..."